Our latest instalment: starting alongside Morientes in the absence of well-known mediocre player Raul, Nicky wrestled with the offside rule through 55 fruitless minutes on Tuesday night against Euro giants Molde [who? - ed]. With Real holding a slim 1-0 lead, Highbury's favourite former surly teen was yanked shortly after the interval in favour of Guti, who (you guessed it) went on to score one (he also won a penalty) as Real won 4-1.
[Rupe adds... what the report linked to above doesn't tell you is that the Molde defence was led by another Arsenal old-boy Pal Lydersen, who reportedly had Nic in his pocket for the full 55 mins!]

Though the votes for the Stan Collymore "I'm class, it's the voices in my head that are crap" Award (1999 edition) are still being counted, the unmentionable one must surely be considered a front-runner at this stage.